I enjoyed our recent dinner together at your club, and as agreed, I have summarised the main issues that were covered as we explored some of the really exciting opportunities that are on the horizon. This should fit well with your own ambitious plans for progress.
In essence, we spoke about your thoughts on the need to increase the yield of oranges within the provision of orange juice products.
As I understand it, on behalf of Her Majesty’s Government, you want to increase the return from oranges without necessarily increasing your investment. Put another way, you want to give the appearance that new investment in oranges is significant; though the actual practical investment will diminish. This personal broadmindedness and progressive attitude to change will allow us to provide you with a robust approach that focuses on a Strategy for High Intensity and Tolerance. This will be positively framed and more than capable of matching any resistance. Be assured, our own in-house assessment processes demonstrate that we excel at achieving positive ethical outcomes on behalf of our many clients.
Considering the issues identified above, we believe there should be a six-stage proposal that will fit with your ambitious plans for increasing your own visibility and influence within government.
Stage One: in our considerable experience, we would strongly support an approach that recognises that the best way to increase the volume of orange juice is to significantly dilute its concentration. We acknowledge that this will markedly diminish the taste of proper orange juice, however over a period of time our research shows that people quickly forget what the original orange juice tastes like and hurriedly accept the new product! This is particularly true if we can give it a fresh new exciting piece of branding that emphasises the improvement on the original merchandise! Once the new label has been established, we can then continue to reduce the concentration of real orange juice – every quarter.
Minister, this will give you something positive to report to your colleagues on a regular basis.
Stage Two: the next juncture is to begin the process of replacing ‘old for new’. At this point, we usually advise our clients to redefine the purpose of the original product under consideration. This opportunity for reclassification will provide you Minister, with a control mechanism around future success performance indicators. In this specific case, we would suggest an approach that places an emphasis on ‘orange juice being no longer required as a source of vitamin C – for communities; but merely as a simple thirst quenching drink’. This back-to-basics approach will complement our diluting strategy (see above).
Stage three: If our marketing has been successful then we are anticipating little resistance to these developments. We would therefore be recommending that this window of opportunity provides us with the occasion to robustly replace expensive natural ingredients with longer lasting preservatives and colourants. This will ensure that the orange juice remains within an acceptable colour range and mildly reflects the taste expectations of consumers. The new product will now be starting to take on an addictively hyper-stimulating life of its own.
Minister, we see this as a game-changing moment and with a fully costed Strategy for High Intensity and Tolerance approach, it could be offered as best practice to a number of government departments.
Stage four: we want you to feel in total control of this transition period and therefore we have initiated a robust plan of action should we experience any resistance. There are always some misplaced spirited characters who remain loyal to the now outdated taste of real orange juice. They argue for a return to the good old days!
We regularly experience this resistance to change. Our proven approach is simple, ethical and effective: we insist that looking backwards never helps anyone for it is simply a regressive step that connects with outdated-traditions. We appreciate that in the short-term there may be some demonstrative support from the public regarding cultural drinking habits. But we live in transient times and public opinion can be often fickle. Our cause is also significantly assisted by the fact that regressive types always argue at an emotional level. Their frequent moral outrages are full of a momentary passionate intensity and I don’t need to tell you Minister, that this then provides us with an occasion to present our constructive, positive, level headed and rational costed plan to the public.
Nevertheless, we wish to cover all angles and should there be some temporary nostalgic reaction in favour of the ‘Regressives’ – then we have provided you with a pricing plan that is capable of supplementing the now diluted orange juice with a short-term sweetener. Please don’t be alarmed about this – as our overall strategic approach includes the silent withdrawal of these sweeteners at a more convenient time.
Just to reassure you: we have a number of alternative sweetener products on standby at the moment – all of whom will be more than happy to provide you with a sample that closely resembles the original orange juice taste. Their short, sharp and well-orchestrated testing has allowed them to look, feel and almost behave the same as the original product. We believe their approach to a prompt product enhancement, so necessary in a world of constant change, will eventually replace the current incessant dogma of providing slow-time quality at the expense of a rapid change imperative. This perpetual doctrine of ‘quality and authenticity’ – is so yesterday!
As an aside, these alternative sweetener organisations are really grateful for the opportunity to supply services for orange juice provision. The CEO’s – many of whom previously worked with plums, believe they can bring this experience to bear within the orange juice industry. Now that they have successfully closed down all UK plum producers and are importing new progressive ideas from abroad, they believe they have some available capacity should you require their services.
Again Minister, the above will provide you with an opportunity to demonstrate your ‘listening and flexible’ approach to government and express in real terms, how you have positively reacted to public opinion.
Stage Five: Having changed the concentration of the product by altering its purpose; varying the colour through ethical dilution; replacing the tasting experience via enhanced sweeteners – we believe that you will be in a position to go all out and replace the real product with a value for money artificial hybrid that we have been developing over the last few years.
This hybrid will require far less training because contractually you will be in a position to establishing a number of new engagement principles that are not plagued by old approaches to orange juice provision. The continual need to provide essential ‘vitamin C’ to communities of consumers, for example, will be confined to history.
The artificial sweetening of the orange juice will create a craving for consumption which we recognise is beyond your department’s capacity to meet. Whilst the new orange juice can quench thirst at an immediate level; it has no capability of establishing a resilient reduction in demand. We believe therefore that consumers may become parched. To obviate any potential criticism, our approach is to create a number of independent suppliers throughout the country who, whilst maintaining their own costs with respect to orange juice production, will provide you with a supply of revenue via the new introduction of an ‘Orange Juice Production Licencing Fee (OJPLF)! We anticipate that there will be an opportunity to charge significant amounts for OJPLF certificates in affluent areas; though there may be some reluctance from suppliers to set-up in poorer socio-economic areas.
Be assured that all satisfaction levels will be adjudged by our new ‘Orange Juice Enjoyability Index’ that will measure amongst other things: the new ability to quench thirst; how sexy is the branding; any dissatisfaction with previous orange juice suppliers. In this sense, we believe we are supporting the new and eradicating the old.
Stage Six: Minister, in order to offer a continued relationship of support, we have pulled together a specially selected diverse group of thinkers on the issue of progressive orange juice production. We have representatives from pears, apples, pineapples, plums, mangos and grapefruit. We have excluded any leaders from the orange juice industry for fear that they would cloud the opportunity for fresh thinking by constantly referring to their practical and realistic experiences.
Minister, we hope that this fits with your thinking and believe it offers a radically new approach to orange juice production. We are cognisant of the need to be continually offering something new to the market and feel that by reducing both the quality and the intensity of the current supply of orange juice we offer outstanding value for money. We hope our Strategy for High Intensity and Tolerance approach meets with your approval.
Orange Juice Privatisation Department